So I left off with me and my mom in the hospital room and her being faced to tell me the prognosis of my daughter. So were standing in the room and my mom explains that although Destine’ has no broken bones she does have a head injury due from the impact of whatever she hit and that has caused skull fragments to go into her brain and allow air to flow through causing her to be brain dead and even if the doctors could operate she would die on the table and that all that is keeping her alive is the breathing tube attached to her. I cant tell you as a mother how I felt or how my mother felt for that matter see as parents we always want our children to bury us not the other way around so after my mom told me all that she looked me in my eyes and told me it was time to let go and all i could say was “but she squeezed my hand” and my mom explained that was just reflexes due to the machine so we let his family in to see her and my God- mother visited with her after everyone had there time with her the only people left in the room were me, my mom, Shawn’s aunt, his cousin and the doctor and the doctor is reassuring me that when they take her of the machine if she gasp for air they will put her back on the respirator so I still have hope so they take her off the machine and I’m begging her to breath and I’m calling her name but there’s nothing happening and I feel so lost and the doctors are trying to get her from me but I wont let her go and I’m begging her to wake up and I think my mom could see the hurt in my eyes because she ask the doctors to give me a minute and as I hold my daughter I know my life is over and I don’t want to live without them. By this time my mom loses it and so does my husbands aunt cause its one thing to lose a family member but to lose two in one day is a pain like no other July 4th I lost two beautiful little girls due to a drunk driver (and the sad part is till this day they cant find him) so as we leave the hospital room to leave I look back to see my daughter on the bed covered with a sheet me and my mom go to the waiting room where my God mom is and she informs me that my pastor in Dallas says if I want he will fly my girls bodies to Dallas and pay for the funerals all I can do is look at my mom and tell her to take them home and she calls our pastor to inform him of our decision. So we leave the hospital to see Keishawn and some one hits the back of my God-mothers car and I lose it I hop out wanting to fight I’m going off while my God-mom and mom are trying to keep the peace telling the other driver why I’m literally going crazy soon the police pull up and I’m still trippin cause I’m trying to get to the morgue to see my other daughter and this is taking up time, they finally get everything straight and were soon headed to the morgue I’m not sure but I think my mom got a call from my pastor not to take me up there that he wanted to see the bodies first, I’m so drained I decide to let it go and we head to the house. While were at the house my mom puts my roommates out I mean literally tell them they have to leave my house I think she knew they were taking advantage of me so they pack up there stuff and leave my boyfriend is trying to comfort me and my mom is trying to get me to eat but I cant, I soon fall asleep and as I sleep I dream about both of my daughters and they are telling me their okay and they love me I’m soon shook out my dream by my mom cause she says I’m crying and calling their names in my sleep and all I can do is cry and say “I want my babies back mom make them give me my babies back” and all she can do is hold me and say she knows it hurt and I know she feels my pain because after all she is their grandmother. Shawn (my husband) calls the house that night and we break the news to him and I know he is hurt over the lost of his two girls and I promise to visit the jail the next day to see him. So I cant remember how I got to the jail I don’t even remember who was with me I think my mom was and because of the death of our children they let us see each other face to face the hurt in that mans face was indescribable and we cried together for our children, I left the jail and went home my step dad called my mom and we spoke and he asked me did I need him and I told him yes and he said he was on his way and as I slept the day away I awoke the next day to him being there just like he said he would be and just like any other father he held his daughter and let me cry at this point I didn’t want to eat or anything the sad part is through my hurt I had forgotten I had a son that my mom was raising but I soon found out just how much I would need him in order to get through this lost that I was going through. So the next day we leave to go to Dallas and we find out once we get there that my pastor has already had my daughters bodies shipped to Dallas, once I found that out I demanded to see Keishawn but my pastor was still hesitant and by now I was lashing out at my mom cause I just wanted to tell my daughter bye and I felt I was being denied that so my pastor informed me he would go down to see them first and if Keishawn looked okay he would let me say goodbye if not I had to respect his call that sounded fair enough right?;Wrong… he later called my mom to inform her I couldn’t see my other daughter and that he had and whatever had hit her had left her faceless and he couldn’t allow me to see her like that I went off on everyone not taking in consideration everyone else’s hurt ( later found out my mom had dreamed about them getting in a accident and that she carried guilt from that) but wallowing in my own, so my pastor informed me that anything I wanted the girls to have for the funerals to just let him know so we picked out pink and gold caskets, one of my aunts made the dresses and my aunt Dee did their hair, my pastor also arranged for their father to attend the funeral, we had there wake a couple days later and on July 12, 2004 we had there funeral when I say those little girls were loved I mean that people from the daycare they attended, people from my job, my family, their fathers family, my God-parents, their God-parents, my real father who I hadn’t seen in years was there I mean the list goes own. To know that I had that much support and love really helped me get through and the fact that I felt Gods hands on me the whole time helped and the fact that my mom was strong when I was weak really helped see God places people in your life for a reason and I thank God I shared time with two beautiful angels, they were never promised to me they were always Gods children He just allowed me to love and care for them for a short period and if my mom and pastor had not been teaching me that all my life I probably wouldn’t be here, see this life changing moment did just that CHANGE MY LIFE and I know they are looking over me and I also know that the mother I am now I wasn’t capable of being back then but I will tell you how God works we buried my two daughters July 12,2004 I found out I was pregnant July 25,2004 and although me and that child’s father aren’t together I am so thankful that god gave me a second chance to take care of another child I think He knew I wouldn’t survive unless I was able to. Audrey Dae’Shun West was born April 24,2004 and yes I took her sister’s middle names to name her it lets me know they are always there and not only do I have Audrey I now have my oldest son Jucorey back and a little boy name Timothy as well see even through it all God was there and he never left my side and even though I lost two children I feel there love everyday as far as my daughters father were not together and he’s doing him and I hope one day he can get his life together and know that life isn’t life without God but hell on earth instead and I want you all to know I have only shared a part of my life with you all your looking at a girl who’s been through hell and back but I take every trial and tribulation cause it made me who I am today and that’s a loving mother, God fearing woman, awesome wife, loyal friend but most of all I finally know my worth I finally know me.
Well as I come close to the end of a chapter of my life that changed me I just truly know there’s a God out there so lets get back to the story known as my life….So by now were on our way to the hospital and I’m calling my mom on the phone kicking and hitting the back seat and as soon as she hears me crying the first thing she says is “I’m on my way” and that she’s booking a flight as we spoke cause she lived in Dallas granted she had never seen my smallest daughter and she had only seen my oldest daughter once cause my husband didn’t allow it. Well we finally pull up to Memorial Herman my mind is going a thousand minutes a hour and I’m walking up to this ICU area knowing my smallest child Destine’ has passed and Keishawn is laying in this bed, I get to this room and instantly I’m in shock because I see Destine’ in the bed fighting so now I know Keishawn is gone and I drop to my knees because reality has set in that I have lost one of my children. The doctors try to talk to me but I’m not understanding so I ask them to wait till my mom gets there so me , my boyfriend, my husbands aunt and cousin are sitting in this private waiting area cause I’m so scared I don’t know what to do I allow my daughters two uncles on my husband’s side to visit her because their in distress, confused and hurting, my best friend and coworker come up to the hospital to see me and as soon as I see Natalie (my best friend) I collapse in her arms and I just keep saying she killed my baby referring to my mother in law not thinking of placing the blame on who I later found out was the drunk driver who hit them head on and walked away without a scratch but blaming the person who took my children out of town without my permission yes that’s right she decided her and her boyfriend who happened to be married were going to go out of town with my children without my permission and by doing so caused the two reasons I was breathing to now be fighting for her life and the other sitting in the city morgue. My God-mom rushed to the hospital to check on me and told me she was on her way to the airport to pick up my mom, so after everyone who came to visit leaves the hospital its just me, my boy friend, my husbands aunt and cousin again and I’m waiting on my mom cause mentally and physically I cant do this by myself. So 45 minutes have passed and in walks my mom and I immediately go to her and start crying and all I can say is I cant do this help me please, she goes to see her grandchild for the first time and I know her heart is breaking and I feel so empty on the inside because the first time she see her she’s dying and I find myself asking why did I allow my husband to take that much control of my life that I kept my mom, sister, and brothers from these two beautiful little girls and as I watch her talk to my daughter and asking her to fight and wake up, I see the love that was denied to the both of them as she holds my daughters hand and shes praying and anointing my daughter with prayer oil and just when she finishes she looks at me and takes me in her arms and ask me one simple question and that is “do you trust me” and I look at my mother who not once has shed a tear cause she has to be strong for me cause at this point I’m at my weakest and I say “yes I trust you’ and she says ” I will handle everything from here on out” when she said that the doctors put everyone out the room except me and her and gave us the prognosis of my daughter and thank God my mom was there because I understood nothing and as these people are explaining this to her shes squeezing my hand and when they finally finish talking she ask to be alone with me and what is explained to me questioned the last bit of hope and trust I had in God but oh I found out quickly just how much I needed him and I found out fast…..To Be Continued
This Is Part 4 of my Story…So I’m now carrying our second child and like I said in the last post the beatings stopped but not the lying and cheating but you know what for some reason it didn’t bother me as much, some would say I was use to it by now and that may be true but i will tell you this the day I found out he had given me chlamydia again all hell broke loose. Here I am 8 1/2 months pregnant with our second child and it seems to me this fool cant respect me enough to at least wrap his package up if he gone be sleeping with everything moving, so when we made it home I went to pounce on him but his mom jumped in the middle that might of been a good thing considering I was to big to be trying to square up with this man so I took a deep breath and just calmly said when I’m tired you gone know but it seemed I would never get tired because I stayed and kept putting up with it. Fast forward to me finally giving birth to our second child Destine’ Dae’Shawn Brown 7lbs 11ozs, I had soon given up on the fact that these children would make him a better man and I started focusing on making myself a better woman I was almost there I could feel it. Soon after Destine’ turned 4 months I applied for childcare and started looking for a job, I ended up finding a job working for a nursing home in the Clark and I started paying his mom a little rent and taking care of our daughters and their needs not to mention even though he was sitting at home doing nothing not even watching the children while I work because he said he didn’t have time to be sitting with kids all day I had to still split my hard earned money with him cause if not there was surely to be a fight to follow. So as time went by I started putting in applications for low income apartments and started finding ways to better myself because his mom had started thinking I was molly the maid and the least little thing I did she would put me out knowing I would have to leave my daughters with her so we all wouldn’t be on the street so I was living from pillow to post at times still going to work and trying to find a place for me and my family. Then one day it was like God knew I was at my breaking point because i got a call from these apartments telling me they had a 2 bedroom available asking me was I interested lol heck yea I was interested. So I hustled up the deposit money and we moved in that sucker I’ll never forget the date Nov 12, 2002 it was the happiest day of my life I now had a place of my own and if your wondering yes my husband moved in with me I know stupid stupid stupid. Time went on and it seemed like we were getting along for the most part the fighting was very seldom and he was spending time at home more. One day we were all lounging around and he called his self playing with the children and Key’Shawn had accidentally wasted his soda he got so angry and hit her across her back she was gasping for air when she let out that scream and started crying it took me literally two seconds to check on her and hop on his ass I looked at my children and told him you can fight me but don’t you ever hit her like that again that fool asked me what I was gone do about it, I looked at my children told them to go to their rooms and lock the doors and I called my friend and told her when I say to call 911 to call them I grabbed a knife cause I was tired of the bull and went in the room he smiled and said ” bitch you can put the knife down cause if you cut me I’m gone really whoop your ass” at that point I just looked at him, he picked up a toy and through it at me I charged at him with the knife (now that I look at it I think God knew he wasn’t worth me going to jail over cause i aimed to stab him in the heart but sliced his wrist instead ). I screamed through the phone that was now on the floor praying my friend was still there to call 911 cause I knew we were about to throw down but all that punk did was fall on the floor screaming “bitch you cut me I never thought you would cut me” and I looked at him and said I never thought you would be beating my ass either. There was so much blood I thought I cut a artery or something I called his cousin who was a nurse she rushed over to my house and doctored on him, after she cleaned him up and bandaged him the police showed there butts up 1 hour later (I guess my friend heard me after all) when I say we cleaned all that blood up in 1 minute flat that’s what I mean and the sad part is when they asked me was I ok I sad yes knowing what had just taken place and after all that drama we still went to sleep together under the same roof…..Stay tuned for part 5 its when my life changes from worse to worse and I learn a lesson that will not only put my faith in God to the test but will have me contemplating suicide….To Be Continued
This Is Part 3 of my story…..So me and my little bundle are finally home from the hospital and I’m beaming from ear to ear because his family is all over there to see the new addition to the family and I can honestly say I remember that day like yesterday because it went downhill fast. After all his family had up and left he confronted me about what I was wearing see when I had made it home I had changed clothes cause we had company I had on a Grey Express Skirt that came like 2 inches above the knee and a long sleeve color blocked shirt, obviously he didn’t care for what I had on because he walked up to me and asked me was I trying to embarrass him by looking like some hoe and before I could utter a word he literally snatched the skirt off me and I was standing in the living room with just a pair of underwear needless to say I was hopping mad for two reasons one my daughter was right there and two that skirt cost me some money so I went into fight mode cause at that time I was so use to fighting him that’s all I knew to do so were going at it both forgetting that our daughter is in the living room suddenly he loses his balance and almost falls on top of our daughter now mind you she’s just a day old thank God she was sleeping but that night I knew I had to make some changes and even with knowing all of that I still wasn’t ready to let him go. So after that incident I decided I wouldn’t worry about what he was or wasn’t doing when he was away from home and started learning other thing like how to cook and I started focusing on my daughter and job hunting see even then God was preparing me I just didn’t know it yet. I soon found out I was pregnant again and this time I was really depressed because the abuse had started again and this man had me believing that no man would want me because I now had two children and the only reason a man would be with me was to sleep wit me and use me and as stupid as it sounded I believed him because that’s just how low my self esteem was I felt worthless a feeling I wouldn’t wish upon anyone. His mom soon put us out by then cause he had threatened her so we were staying with his cousin well at least I was I don’t know were he was staying cause I never saw him at bed time but at least I felt semi safe there because the beatings had stopped. 5 months later his mom had let us move back in her house now I know what your saying I probably should of stayed at his cousin house but I was still loving this man and wanted us to be a family and I still felt like no one would want me but him so like a fool I went back with him to his mom house and yea the fighting had stopped by the lying and cheating continued. Would I ever learn? Stay tuned to find out…..To Be Continued
I have been looking for a at home massager and I’m always scared to find one in the stores because they’re are so many to chose from, so I was excited when I was given the opportunity to do a review for their massager i was ecstatic and jumped at the chance now this massager does have pros and cons so lets get in to it. First off it came really packaged nicely and arrived with any issues. Upon taking it out the package i was relived to know that we didn’t need batteries and that it was portable meaning you can take this anywhere that they have a plug but you can also use it in the car because it has a adapter. The pros are this massager can be used on almost every part of your body even though the box says shoulders it also specifies on the side you can use it for feet, hip area, shoulders, calf’s lower back and a host of other things and the fact that it heats up is a major plus. Now the cons are that it doesn’t allow you to control the pressure or i just haven’t figured it out yet either way I would love to be able to adjust that and also it gets super hot when you turn on the heating part to the point your going to have to turn it off after a while. Do I thing this massager is a good deal for the price and keep in mind this product is 49.99, what I will say is i like it my husband says its great if you just looking for something to work out the kinks really quickly so all in all its a great product and good for the price here’s the link for the massager.
Heres the link: Naturalico Shiatsu Neck&Shoulder Massager
So where did I leave off on the last blog…..Oh yes like I said I first learned exactly what kind of person he could be on our first day of marriage or maybe I knew all awhile and just didn…
Source: Her Abuse My Story Part 2
Every woman dreams of who and what her shining armour will be, for me he would roll up in a old school Buick with rims and music and be known around the hood for whatever reason, yea at 17 you real…
Source: HER ABUSE MY STORY Part 1
So where did I leave off on the last blog…..Oh yes like I said I first learned exactly what kind of person he could be on our first day of marriage or maybe I knew all awhile and just didn’t want to face it. Some days this man could be sweet as pie and other days it was like walking on egg shells and if I wasn’t getting it from him I was getting the unsolicited advice from his crazy mother for instance telling me if you don’t go to church Gods going to allow him to keep cheating on you or fighting on you, now I should have known better considering this is the same woman who endured abuse in both of her marriages and stayed cause she didn’t believe in divorce I mean shouldn’t she have been telling her son to keep his hands to himself? Oh it didn’t stop there with her though, she would tell me you need to start looking for a job to support your family now here I am 6 months pregnant you would think she would be telling her son that instead of me but no cause truth be told she was even scared of her son. This man sent me through the wringer y’all if it wasn’t about him cheating or not coming home at times it was him bringing me home STD’s yea I said it he brought home everything from chlamydia, gonorrhea to crabs its just by the grace of God those were curable and it was nothing that could have possibly sentenced me to a uncertain death and some of you will never know the shame I felt every time I had to run up to that clinic or try to explain to my ob/gyn why I have a STD at 7 months pregnant and to top it all off he barely went to any of the doctor appointments with me but like I said I loved him so I accepted it some will say I didn’t know my own worth and that may be true but eventually I found it but we’ll talk about that later. For the life of me I could never understand what happened to the man who claimed he loved me the fighting got so out of hand that the neighbors would call the police and we were the talk of the neighborhood, one night a day after we had gotten into one of our fights I was sitting in the room with his brother (who by the way stayed there to) we were talking about why I stayed with a person who didn’t love me and was a known drug dealer all my dumb ass could say was because I love him now that I think about it that was always my come back for when people asked me why I stayed with him even when my God-Mother tried to get me out of my situation I would leave for a while but then I would go right back to him only to endure the same thing over and over hell he would beat me if I told him I was leaving, if he told me to leave and I started packing hell he would even beat me if he got caught lying and cheating. Fast forward to the day I gave birth to my daughter as usual he was nowhere to be found so we had to keep paging him cause the baby was coming and she was coming fast, finally after like paging him five times he said he was on his way home to take me to the hospital but the ambulance was already on its ways so I hitched a ride with them with him tailing behind and by then her head was almost out and the paramedic was begging me not to push lol. So we finally made it to the hospital and they rushed me to labor and delivery and my midwife asked me did I want to wait to push till my husband came up but I was so pissed and not to mention in so much pain I looked her in the eye and calmly said hell no and proceeded to push, by the time he made it to the room the baby was almost out he started cheering me on and 3 minutes later out came Key’Shawn Audrey Brown all 7lbs 13ozs of her and the way he looked at that little girl had me thinking she could possibly be the key to him changing his life around boy was I wrong and I soon found out those 2 1/2 days in the hospital would be the only piece of happiness and security I would feel at least for 4 more years…..To Be Continued
Every woman dreams of who and what her shining armour will be, for me he would roll up in a old school Buick with rims and music and be known around the hood for whatever reason, yea at 17 you really know what you want right? See I had already had my first child at 16 and although my mom was strict on me I still was a fast little thing. Who would have known it would bite me in the behind? Well it did and at 17 I was doing my own thing and this fine little momma brought all the boys to the yard but then I met him; he was 6’1 beautiful brown eyes and driving a car I just knew was his (soon found out it was his moms) . He said and did all the right things and he knew how to make me feel like the woman I thought I was and wanted to be, I didn’t care that he had girls calling his phone and although I asked him about it and knew he was lying I didn’t care cause this man could do no wrong I soon found that to be a lie also. After dating for a while (at least i was I don’t know what he was doing) I soon found out I was 2 months preagnant with his child and my mom wasn’t to happy about that and we soon had a meeting with his and my family about what to do. My mom was moving back to Dallas and he wanted to be able to raise his child so we chose to get married and trust me when I say I knew nothing about being a wife. The day we got married was great I had on my multi colored dress and him his suit and tie and we marched our butts to city hall and I was on top of the world but not for long what was a happy beautiful day ended up being a ratchet hell of a night. That same night one of his exes called and he left me to be with her, yea I know what your saying I should have walked away then but I was pregnant and had no family in Houston and I loved him so as they came into the house me and him shared (and to top it off we lived with his mom) the next day I just sat on the couch like a deer in headlights and after they talked for a while she left and I was left with what to do next and the only thing I could think of was to ask him what his damn problem was and I probably shouldn’t have but I was hopping mad and I called myself reading him his rights and when he got tired of hearing it he slapped the piss out of me and started beating my tail and all I could do was holler “the baby your going to hurt the baby” but even that didn’t snap him back to reality, but I tell you what I did learn I learned I would endure 5 years of disrespect, cheating, lying and beatings and a host of other things…..to be continued
So since summer has begun I’ve been thinking a lot about doing a protective style, for those who don’t know what that is its where you put your hair in the style of your choice that doesn’t require you to have to mess with it or requires low manipulation. As I went back and forth with my self I did research on Senegal Twist, Box Braids and even braiding my hair up and wearing a wig and after wrestling with myself I came to the conclusion that if I did any protective styling it would one be with my own hair only and two that it would have to be styles that wouldn’t require any heat since I am currently on a no heat diet. Don’t get me wrong I think Senegal Twist and Box Braids are hot and look good on practically anyone but the thought of spending $200- $350 on some hair style that’s going to only last for maybe 2 months is just plain crazy to me and to be honest even when I get my hair professionally done I like to be able to wash my hair after two weeks and just rock my afro or my puff ponytail. Another thing you have to consider is that even when you do decide to get braids or twist of any kind most braiding salons either require you to come with your hair already blown out or they want to blow it out themselves and as I have expressed previously I’m on a no heat diet so that’s a big part that played in my decision to not get those kinds of styles, then it was my thoughts on breakage like what if the braider braided my hair to tight or didn’t have the proper combs and thing to detangle, part or whatever I mean I don’t use a rattail comb in my head do you really think I’ll let someone else? There’s so many things to think about when you consider getting braids or twist and the cons out weighed the pros to me so those thoughts soon became a memory and I soon concentrated on finding styles that could work with my hair length and texture and I’m happy to say I have found tons, I have a appointment May 24 with my stylist who I have been going to since I started my journey and I think I’m leaning toward some cute flat twist that will end with flowing twist at the end. I needed something cute and that would keep me out of my head since I’m hosting a event with three other ladies that Saturday and really wouldn’t have time to be trying to primp all day in a mirror not to mention I have a photo shoot July 6th so I need something with staying power. My point is find a style that will work for you I came to a easy decision that using only my natural hair was something I was committed to so I found styles that worked for me and there are so many styles that you can do that don’t require the use of weaves or wigs if you don’t want them and if you do decide that you want the Box Braids or the Senegal Twist my advice is ask questions about how they will prep your hair and how you will need to go about taking care of your hair once you get home and also check out the business where you will be getting them done look on the internet to see if they have had complaints or if they are licensed and its perfectly ok to ask them how long they have been braiding or twisting hair, its your right as the client to feel comfortable with the person who will be in your head. Also stick to your guns if you don’t want to have to blow out your hair or put any heat in it to straighten it so they can braid it or twist your hair find places that don’t require that cause there are some out there, bottom line its all about doing your homework. Well good luck on your journey and remember taking care of your hair involves you taking care of your whole self till next time stay naturally beautiful and live life!!!!